


we all have a hunger

by bitterbubblegumbitch



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Gen, Hurt Octavia Blake, Octavia Blake-centric, TW: this deals with starving and hunger and malnutrition, TW: unintentional disordered eating, the Niytavia starts chapter 5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23782474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterbubblegumbitch/pseuds/bitterbubblegumbitch
Summary: A look at Octavia's relationship with hunger/food over six seasons.
Relationships: Octavia Blake/Niylah
Comments: 9
Kudos: 49





	1. where we're from (there's no sun)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Octavia's birthday! As young as she is, she doesn't understand what makes it so bittersweet for her brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song I had on loop while writing this: Hometown by twenty one pilots.

Bellamy had been thinking about the perfect birthday gift to give his baby sister for the past few weeks. Now, it was the day of and he still hadn’t come up with something that could beat Gussie, the plushie he had found for Octavia last year. It wasn’t until he and his mom were standing in line for their next meal that the perfect idea came to mind.

“Mom,” he whispered, tugging on Aurora’s hand.

When she looked down, Bellamy pulled harder and motioned with his other hand until he had his lips pressed to his mom’s ear. 

“Mom, I want to give Octavia my full rations today.”

Aurora looked into her son’s earnest brown eyes, enjoying the sheer excitement in them for a moment, knowing she was about to put an end to some of Bellamy’s innocence. 

“I am so proud of you, Bellamy, but we can’t do that,” she said, blinking away tears. “Your sister is going to spend the next 364 days on half rations. Knowing what it’s like to be full will only make that harder.”

Not willing to watch the joy in her son’s eyes dim, Aurora stood and pulled him forward the three steps they had missed. When Bellamy yanked his hand from hers, she chose to keep looking ahead. 

* * *

As soon as the door lock was in place, Bellamy was working to get the table out of way and the floorboard open. 

“Bell!” Octavia dropped her plushie only to throw her skinny arms around her brother. “I’m so hungry!”

Bellamy hid the way his face crumpled in Octavia’s shoulder until she started pushing at his chest. Then, he pieced together a smile to match his sister’s, and pulled out her half ration. 

“Happy birthday, O! I’m sorry I couldn’t get you a present this year.”

“A present?” 

Octavia pouted in confusion, six year old face not managing to mimic a frown yet.

“Yeah, like I got Gussie as a present for your birthday last year,” Bellamy explained. 

“But you brought me breakfast and now I’m not hungry anymore,” Octavia insisted, "That can be my present."


	2. it's so quiet here (and i feel so cold)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia's first days in the Sky Box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from: so cold by Ben Cocks. You guessed it, this song was on loop while I wrote this chapter.

Octavia thought she knew what it felt like to be cold— under the floorboards, where she had to choose whether to lay the blanket down as a bed or cover herself, and the metal leeched all her body heat, there was no warmth. But there had to be a special element to the cold in her cell. It was unrelenting, coming from the spaces in her soul where they had ripped her mother away from her. 

_ When can I see my mom? _ _  
_ _ She’s being floated in the morning. _

For 18 meal times, she hadn’t seen her brother either. Bellamy himself was a radiator, always lending heat with hugs or making her laugh so hard, her face flushed red. 

_ And my brother? Can I see him?  
_ _ We haven’t come to a decision on him yet. He’s over the age of 18, Ms. Blake. Which leads us to your sentence. _

The Sky Box. It was bigger than her space under the floor, sure. And instead of sleeping on the floor, she was afforded a thin mattress with a plastic lining. A guard came by three times a day, sliding a tray through the gap in the door. Materialistically, it far outshined where she had spent the first 16 years of her life.

Still, in every way that  _ counted  _ it was a void. Octavia was alone, empty, filled only with grief. And so, every time she heard the tray slide across the floor, she stayed curled on her mattress, pressing down on the pain in her stomach, hoping her thin, scratchy blanket would afford her some warmth.

It wasn’t until the seventh time she heard the tray slide in that the door opened. Heavy guard boots clomped into her cell and Octavia heard the guard sigh. Turning, she saw a blonde woman picking up the collection of trays and tucking six of the rations into her uniform before she turned to Octavia. 

“Eat, kid,” the guard tossed the seventh ration onto the bed and left.

Octavia grabbed the food, curling her hand into a fist around it, and debated throwing it at the door. In the end, it was more energy than it was worth and she didn’t want to call attention to herself anyway. 

Two days later, she stood to use the toilet and blacked out, waking only when a tray slid into her forehead. Scared, Octavia shoved the ration in her palm, smushed, crumbled, sweaty, into her mouth and crawled to the sink where she drank directly from the tap. 

“Sleep. I’ll sleep and then eat again,” she thought before collapsing into bed, with barely enough energy to drag the blanket over herself. 

When she woke next, the ration was gone.


	3. set them free at the break of dawn ('til one by one they were gone)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia has a hard time adjusting to having some freedom with food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from: 99 Luftballoons by nena

Sweat is making Octavia’s clothes stick to her body and the smoke from the fire stings her eyes and clogs her nose. Still, she takes on the shifts in the smokehouse because most people hate the job and because it makes her warm like she’s never felt before. 

Most days that’s a good thing, but sometimes, like right now, the heat makes her vision darken and her muscles tremble. Usually, she steps out to drink water and cool down and feels better within a few minutes— enough to see her shift through at least. 

For some reason, however, not half an hour passes before Octavia’s knees buckle as she’s in the middle of hanging another strip of meat.

“Crap,” she thinks, stumbling outside in the hopes that some fresh air will clear the black spots from her vision. 

Halfway to the water dispenser, the world tilts, and Octavia doesn’t notice her body follow until she’s already on the ground.

“O!”

She knows it’s her brother calling for her, but it seems to be from a hundred feet away even as he skids in front of her. 

“Octavia, wake up!” Bellamy shouts as he drags her body up against his chest.

There’s a weird disconnect between her body and mind. When she tries to speak, her throat lets out a whimper. When she tries to clutch her brother’s shirt to steady herself, her hand flops aimlessly until Bellamy catches it and holds it. He says something, she can feel the vibrations on her back, but her ears are ringing too loudly to hear what it is. 

It’s hard to tell when her eyes closed, but when she opens them next, a blonde woman is crouched by her. Clarke. Two cool fingers push on her wrist until she feels a thump pressing back.

“Her pulse is too fast, we need to get her to the med tent,” Clarke says and oh, her hearing is back.

Too quickly, her brother is standing with her cradled in his arms. Once they make it to the tent, the nausea from all the swaying overwhelms Octavia and she tries to warn him.

“Sick,” she gasps out. “Bell—”

Bellamy sets her on a makeshift cot, and she heaves over the side, watery bile spilling out onto the dirt. His hand stretches across her forehead, holding her head up when it tilts forward.

“Hey, when’s the last time you ate?” Clarke asks. 

Octavia spits one more time before rolling onto her back, dizzy and exhausted. 

“The berries you gave me, Bell. With the meat.”

“That was last night, O!” 

Her brother seems confused. As if the Blakes' haven’t been a hungry bunch since she was born.

“You haven’t felt hungry today?”

“I’ve always been hungry. Nothing special about today.” Octavia doesn’t understand why she needs to defend herself— it’s not like food has ever been hers for the taking. 

This time, her brother and Clarke exchange a look she can’t read, and Bellamy wraps her in a hug. Although she still feels annoyed, she clings back, not caught up on hugs after a year without her brother or any physical contact. Yeah, she’s hungry for that too. 

“I’ll go get you a plate, you spend the day resting, and we keep an eye on you from now on, ok?” Clarke says. “Doctor’s orders.”

One plate turns into two, and soon Octavia is curled in on her stomach, lips stained from berries.


	4. i just wanna close my eyes (i wanna believe that i will be free elsewhere)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia gets sick. Or, the effects half rations for 15 years and ??? rations in the Sky Box might have on a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe tomorrow I will know how to end this chapter but for now, voila. 
> 
> Song title from: time to say goodbye from tyler joseph/twenty one pilots. She was on loop for HOURS ya'll.

Unlike her brother, Octavia finds little to love about the cold. She could especially do without her recurring cold— every time she starts taking breathing normally for granted, her nose stuffs back up. On top of that, this time a fever has taken hold and Bellamy won’t stop hovering. 

It’s not that she doesn’t appreciate having her big brother by her side, wiping away sweat, changing out soaked through sheets, and holding her through bouts of tears in her less lucid moments. But he keeps looking at her with sad doe eyes, pleading for her to let him take her to med bay, not understanding why she refuses. 

“O, please,” Bellamy begs. “It’s been three days, it’s time.”

Another wave of nausea rushes through Octavia and she gags, curling further into tangled sheets. Saliva floods her mouth and she clenches her jaw, trying to will the bile back down her throat. Her body doesn’t care that there isn’t anything left to expel, she heaves, spitting up onto the sheets and feeling vomit soak into the loose strands of hair by her face. 

“Alright, that’s enough. Come here,” her brother tugs her away from the soiled sheets and rests her upper body against one arm, the other occupied with a washcloth he uses on her cheek and hair. “I know you don’t want to, but we need to get you some medicine.”

Octavia whimpers, starting to cry as she lays limply in his arms. She can’t even lift her chin from her chest, let alone fight Bellamy on this. 

“Shh, hey, what’s got you so scared of med bay?”

When she lets out a shuddery sob in response, Bellamy soothes a hand over the crown of her head and tucks her against him more securely before standing. Octavia, exhausted and out of breath between tears and congestion, resigns herself but hopes that they find Jackson and not anyone else. 

Somewhere along the way, she blacks out or dozes off, she can’t tell which, but when she opens her eyes, she’s laid out on a cold surface. 

Her face feels sticky with tears that haven’t dried yet but she feels reasonable when she starts crying again— her arm throbs in time with her head, something tight wrapped around her bicep, there’s a stinging in the crook of her arm, the lights are too bright, she can’t tell where her brother is, and there’s a raspy, female voice coming from behind the bed.

“Bell,” she croaks out. 

“Octavia, I’m Dr. Griffin but please, call me Abby.”

She throws up again. 

By the time she’s regained consciousness, Bellamy is holding her hand and speaking quietly. 

“—everyone else has fully recovered from that wave of sickness.”

“Yes, everyone else had the opportunity to develop a strong immune system.” Abby’s voice is clinical. “Growing up around others, in classrooms, cafeterias, workspaces, you come in contact with a lot of germs, you get sick, and you build antibodies.”

The opportunity. If Octavia thought she could get away with rolling her eyes without puking, she’d surely be looking at her brain. Instead, she keeps eavesdropping, unsure if it counts as such if the conversation is about her.

“On top of having a weak immune system, Octavia hasn’t recovered from years of malnutrition. In fact, it seems that if I weighed her right now, it’d be less than when I saw her last.”

She wants to protest at Bellamy pulling his hand away but keeps watching as he crosses his arms and takes on a defensive tone.

“Mom and I did the best we could, and Clarke and I have been working on getting O to eat regularly, but it is _hard_.”

“Bellamy,” Octavia croaks out, unable to hear her brother in pain. “Bell, I’m ok.”

Her brother relaxes, exhaling sharply in relief, and leans over her for a moment before facing Abby again.

“Besides, when did you examine O? I had to fight to get her here in the first place.”

Abby clears her throat, shifting uncomfortably before answering: “After Octavia was sentenced—”

“You mean _after_ you and the rest of the Council interrogated me, after you told me my mom was being _murdered_ , but before you locked me in a cell for the next _year_ ,” Octavia does her best to yell. “And again, before sending me down here to _die_.” 

“Octavia.”

“No, I don’t want to hear you,” she manages out in between sobs and coughs. “It was your Ark’s guards that thought they deserved my rations more than ‘a girl who doesn’t even exist’ so screw you, I don’t need you to pretend to care for me, I want Clarke.”

Bellamy yanks her into his arms and although the sudden change to vertical makes her head swim, she clings back as desperately as her shaking, weak limbs allow. 


	5. we've a lot of starving faithful (let me give you my life)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunger isn't an option in the bunker, especially after the Dark Year, but Octavia takes it a step further by telling herself she deserves the hunger. She also gives up a lot of her own rations. Niylah steps in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song I had on loop for the two nights it took me to write this chapter: take me to church by hozier (a slowed version).

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” 

_Please. Please._

“This isn’t a choice.” 

_I wish it was. Please._

“For me it is.” 

_Why do you have to put up a fight? Just eat. It’s survival. Please._

“I mean no disrespect.” 

_I know. I believe you. Just, please._

“But I would rather die with my brother than—” 

_No one is supposed to die here. Abby, say something. Please._

“You eat or you die.” 

_Don’t be an example. No one is starving to death. Not on my watch._

“Please don’t do this.” 

_Don’t make me do this. I am tired of killing. I want my people to survive. Someone. Please_

“Octavia, this isn’t you.” 

_I wish it wasn’t. Why do you have to push me to be this? This is not who I want to be. Convince them to just eat, Kane. I can’t do this on my own. Please._

“Just take a bite. Do it.”

_Too late. Too late. You’re too late, Kane. You could have saved them. Save me. Please._

She wakes on an inhale and starts screaming on the exhale. For a moment, she’s under the fluorescent lights of the cafeteria with scared faces staring back from the other side of a gun. Then, warm hands are cupping her face and she comes to with sheets tangled around her bottom half.

One hand moves away and Octavia chokes on the next scream, searching for the comfort until sudden light blinds her, startling her into silence. The quiet allows her to hear a soft voice.

“Shh, _ai niron_ , it’s ok. Breathe.”

Her eyes adjust, allowing her to see the worried face hovering over her own. Niylah. One hand remains on her cheek while the other rests in the middle of her chest, fingers spread over her heart. 

“Niy—” she sighs out.

Niylah moves the hand on Octavia’s cheek to grab at her clenched fist, pressing it to her own chest while she massages the curled fingers open, ignoring the whimper her love lets out.

“Inhale with me,” she instructs. “Hold it, that’s it. Now exhale with me.”

Over and over, she repeats herself until Octavia is limp, tears slithering down her temples into her hair. Only when she is breathing steadily does Niylah dare to pull back, pulling Octavia up to a sitting position. 

“I’m sorry,” Octavia whispers as she curls over her bent legs. “I can’t stop seeing them.”

She doesn’t have to elaborate further. Niylah is already pulling a fresh set of sleep clothes out, moving into the bathroom to start the shower, leaving Octavia to join her when she’s ready. Octavia waits until she hears the curtain be pulled back into place before she swings her legs over the edge of the bed.

As she waits for the sick feeling to leave her stomach, she toes off her thick socks, mentally preparing herself for the shock of cold on her feet and a dizzy spell. 

“ _Miya, Okteivia._ ”

Unwilling to deny herself the company of her love any longer, she decides to brave the predictable head rush, however, she doesn’t expect the stabbing sensation behind her left eye and Octavia lands hard on her knees. It’s hard to keep quiet but this is something she must keep secret.

She knows that if she tells Niylah about the weakness in her limbs, the dizziness, the worsening constant chill, she will be dragged to medical and watched closely at mealtimes every day after that.

If she mentions the headache, she knows that Niylah will procure some mild painkillers for her but insist that she have some crackers to settle her stomach. Octavia had never welcomed hunger until the farm went down and the Dark Year began.

Today, hunger means that one of her people can have a little more on their plate. Hunger feels close to an adequate punishment.

When the black spots clear from her vision, Octavia walks into the shower, stripping sweat soaked clothes along the way. She lets Niylah pull her close, run a hand along the knobs of a spine that protrudes a little more every day, and tilts her chin to silently request a kiss. 

They hurry through the rest of their shower, not wanting to waste more water, but Niylah keeps a hand on Octavia as much as she can, knowing how comforting touch is. Octavia shivers through her bedtime routine for the second time that night until she gets her thick socks back on and curls around her love, avoiding the damp spot on her side of their bed.

For a few minutes, while Octavia warms from Niylah’s body heat and the blankets pulled up to her neck, Niylah remains silent. When everything goes still, she starts talking.

“I know what you’re doing, _Okteivia_ .” Ignoring the way her love tenses, she continues. “You are trying to punish yourself for what you had to do and it’s killing you. Your people need you to be strong, _I_ need you to be healthy and strong, _snogon_.”

Hot tears drip onto Niylah’s collarbone.

“The only thing constant in life for me has been hunger. Why can’t I use it for myself then? How am I supposed to live knowing I killed three of my own people and faced no consequences?”

“ _Omon gon oson_ . They died so that dozens more wouldn’t choose to starve to death. So that the last of the human race might survive. I wish things had gone differently that day, _ai niron_ but we cannot change the past.”

Niylah’s words force a strangled sound from Octavia’s chest. To some degree, Niylah is right, she knows that. Still, she can’t understand everything, not when she wasn’t the one pulling the trigger.

“ _Ai hod yu in_. I will not leave your side until you command it. Don’t make me watch you waste away.”

Octavia startles as the chest under her head jolts and she realizes that Niylah is crying. 

“ _Moba_ , _Naila_. I love you.” She gathers her resolve. “Small. Let me start small.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Ai niron: My love  
> Miya, Okteivia: Come, Octavia  
> Snogon: love  
> Omon go oson: All of me for all of us  
> Ai hod yu in: I love you  
> Moba, Naila: I'm sorry, Niylah


	6. you're toxic (i'm slippin' under)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That scene in 5x08 when Bellamy poisons Octavia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard for me to write. I'm still not happy with it to be honest. Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about this scene so here's the first part! It's a little more stylistic than the other chapters. Hope that works out :)
> 
> chapter title from: toxic by britney spears but an epic cover by 2WEI to spice things up

Winning the Conclave and bringing every clan together had once been Octavia’s greatest source of pride. She had bled for them and never stopped bleeding— Wonkru was born from bloodshed.

Gaia had said: “The blood of our enemies is her armor.” 

Just 46 days in and Octavia receives a baptism by blood. Blodreina is born. Between both identities, she spends the next five years trying to hold the bunker together. An effort not unlike trying to shape water.

* * *

It starts like this: Bellamy descends into the bunker, bringing light and life to a place plagued by death and darkness. He has always been home. Always meant safety. So Octavia drops her weapon and jumps into his arms. She’s ready for her big brother to relieve some of this weight from her shoulders. 

The joy sparks like a match that’s just been lit and burns out just as quickly. 

* * *

Octavia wants nothing more than to finish this meeting and go to her room, shed Blodreina and her armor, and curl up for a few hours with Niylah. The moment Bellamy interrupts, she knows she instead has a long night ahead of her.

She wishes that she could let down her guard here, with her big brother, but their relationship has been off balance from the moment he started making assumptions and hurling accusations. 

“I came here to tell you that I love you. Very much. No matter what happens. I hope you believe me.”

For a moment, Octavia can only tilt her head in confusion. Despite all that they have fought, she has never doubted that they belong side by side. 

A burning sensation has started in the pit of her stomach and she thinks it’s anger. Wonkru isn’t his to surrender, and he went behind her back, betrayed her—. Her throat itches all of a sudden, as if she's been breathing in dust.

Something’s wrong and for all the anger she holds toward her brother, Octavia can’t help but turn to him: “I can’t breathe, Bellamy.”

He has to hear her wheezing, struggling for every breath, coughing on every exhale. Even through hazy eyes, she recognizes the guilt on his face, connects the dots when he keeps staring at the ration bars. 

“Bellamy. What did you do.”

Over the buzz in her ears, she can barely hear him explain something about Monty’s algae. Irrationally, she thinks that doesn’t make sense when she’s only ever known algae to grow on bodies of water, harmless. 

Then, her brother is standing over her and for the first time in her life, Octavia feels afraid of him. 

“How could you do this to me?” She tries to ask but chokes on air— or a lack thereof. 

She’s running out of time, she knows it, and turns away from Bellamy to yell for a guard. It’s too late. A hand clamps over her face and she’s pulled back into his chest. Adrenaline rockets through her body and she spasms, throwing her arms out in an effort to dislodge him. 

* * *

The fight leaves her body within ten seconds, the haze having spread from her vision to her limbs, leaving them heavy and useless. When she falls limp, Bellamy lowers her to the ground so gently and it hurts her soul worse than if he had let her fall. 

“Shh,” he soothes as if she could make any noise past a gasp at this point. “You’re ok.”

“No,” she thinks. “I’m dying.”

Octavia can feel it in her hollowed out heart, even as Bellamy tries to assure her that they’ll have peace soon. 

She wants to say: “Tell Niylah I love her.”

“Take care of them for me.”

“Please don’t do this.”

"I have to see this through."

“Don’t leave me here.”

* * *

It ends like this: not on a battlefield, not of starvation, but by her brother's hand.


	7. something you won't forget (behind my eyelids are islands of violence)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Octavia is poisoned by her brother, she finds it difficult to accept food from him— even 125 years later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song title from: migraine by twenty one pilots
> 
> song i was listening to on repeat while writing this: dancing queen (slowed down by PsychedelicPrincess on yt)
> 
> TW: Octavia has a panic attack in this chapter.

Octavia sat on the bed, watching her fingers tangle, clench, then straighten out, and listened to Niylah getting ready in the bathroom. From the slightly open door, she could see that her _niron_ was braiding her hair now. To be fair, Niylah had asked her if she wanted to style her hair earlier, knowing it could be comforting, but she had been too busy sulking. Left waiting on her own though, she regretted turning down the offer. Besides, the ship had running water and fragrant hair products. Their hair had never been softer— or cleaner.

“I’ll just ask to take her braids out once we get back,” Octavia thought, sighing hard enough that her cheeks puffed out and flopping back onto the bed. 

A gentle laugh had her head snapping toward the bathroom where Niylah had apparently finished. Octavia watched as she pushed off the doorframe and crossed the room to rest between her legs, causing the pink in her cheeks to darken.

“ _Miya_ , _hodnes_ ,” Niylah whispered and took her hands, tugging until she was upright. “ _Ste yuj_ , it will be over soon.”

They had spent almost a week taking their meals separate from everyone else woken from cryo— Niylah would collect two bowls of algae every mealtime while Octavia chose to stay in their room. But yesterday, Bellamy had cornered Niylah and asked her to bring Octavia for a meeting at lunch, though he didn’t say what for.

“We haven’t talked since he woke me up,” Octavia mumbled, tucking her head against Niylah’s stomach. 

It had been a short conversation with her brother. Bellamy said he wanted his sister with him as they arrived at a new planet. She guessed he had some time for some soul-searching in the nearly two weeks he was awake before her. At the time, accepting his apology (for belittling her, betraying Wonkru, almost killing her, he hadn’t specified) seemed like the way forward but now she didn’t know how to face him. 

After a few moments and a kiss to her forehead, Niylah pulled her up and they made their way to the cafeteria. Octavia felt guilty for her love having to deal with her sweaty hand and surely overly tight grip. 

Too soon, they were in front of Bellamy who was dishing out portions of algae, and Octavia’s heart started pounding. She flashed a smile at whatever he said and quickly found a place a few seats down from everyone else.

Looking down at the thick, murky liquid, she thought back to every bowl Niylah had brought back to their room: did her brother serve at every mealtime and what if he changed his mind and wanted to get rid of her again and how would he know which was her bowl and what if he hurt Niylah in the process.

So trapped in her spiraling thoughts, Octavia didn’t notice her breaths increase in volume and shorten into quick gasps, drawing Niylah’s attention to her white-knuckled grip on her spoon and vacant eyes.

“ _Okteivia_?”

She kept staring into the bowl. 

Bellamy’s attention turned to his sister at the Grounder’s concerned call. 

“O?”

His voice finally triggered a response and, though she didn’t realize, got the room’s attention just as she dropped the spoon and stood in one jerky movement.

Octavia was back in that dark room, observing her brother through wet eyes as he claimed to love her, even as he watched her chew the ration bar that he had poisoned. Hot flames grew in her belly, ran up her chest. Every breath was a battle, her chest growing heavy and throat closing until she could barely cry out for help. 

His hand was too tight against her mouth, fingers occasionally pinching her nose closed, making it even harder to draw air in. Her brother’s voice was gentle, telling her she was ok, perhaps not realizing how painful it was for poison to attack your body, forcing it to shut down. 

Pain shot through her palm. 

“That’s not right,” Octavia thought. 

She opened her eyes, though she didn’t remember closing them, and looked toward her hand, having to blink away tears to focus on it. Someone had their hands wrapped around hers, forcing it into a fist and cold water dripped onto the skin left exposed by her tank top. 

When she whimpered at the burning sensation, they pulled back and she let her fingers relax, allowing a small piece of ice to slip onto the floor. 

“ _Naila_ ,” she started, wincing at the dryness in her throat.

“We’re sitting on the floor of the cafeteria on Eligius IV. You had a panic attack, _ai niron_.”

Blood rushed to her face as she noticed Bellamy and the others looking at them. 

“ _Chek ai au_ , _Okteivia_ ,” Niylah said, voice soft but stern to get through Octavia’s racing thoughts. “Let’s head back to our room, _sha_?” 

Octavia felt incapable of replying but stared into her love’s hazel eyes and nodded, letting her mind go blank, trusting Niylah to get her back to safety. Only once she sat on their bed, wrapped in heavy blankets, staring at the red spot in her palm, was she able to speak. 

“I—. I don’t know how I’m supposed to eat here, Niy.”

Fury flared across Niylah’s face. Not only had the older Blake almost killed his sister, the only love she had left, but he had destroyed years of progress they had made in the bunker in terms of Octavia’s eating issues. 

“We will figure something out, we always do.” 

Hours passed, bodies curled around one another, until Octavia’s breathing evened out and she was letting quiet, congested snores on every exhale. 

“ _Reshop_ , _snogon_ ,” Niylah whispered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Niron: love  
> Miya, hodnes: Come here, love  
> Ste yuj: Stay strong  
> Ai niron: My love  
> Chek ai au: Look at me  
> Sha: Yes  
> Reshop, snogon: Goodnight, love


End file.
